The Essential Horror Movie Survival Kit

Man Crates has asked me to say what things I would like in a crate in order to survive a Halloween horror film. Man Crates runs off of the premise of delivering crates of goods to men to solve the difficulties of gift giving, these crates are apparently solid–like, you need an actual crow bar to open them every time they arrive at your door.

To me this feels like the right place to start, no not with the crow bar, what am I going to do hit some monster or serial killer with a crow bar? The place to start is with an actual crate. Such a heavy duty piece of material seems like a great place to hide out while all the shenanigans are happening. No I am not the hero of your Halloween story–the best way to get by is to blend into your surroundings–I mean that’s how Schwartzenegger got by in 90% of Predator right? Surely the killer would just assume the crate is another delivery from Man Crates and pass it by all the while I’m there at the end as your sole survivor.

My next plan for horror survival comes with another bit of trickery, which is probably my sole plan for surviving anything (I’ve always maintained Foxface was the best Hunger Games player, after all). All I would need is a whole slew of scary monster/villain costumes. Imagine this, you were going throughout your work day, doing all the things you are very passionate about and you run into someone who looks exactly like you! You would no doubt be thrown off, perhaps even to the point that you would no longer be able to complete your duties. I imagine the same thing would definitely happen to any serial killer. When the dudes in the Scream costumes are running around doing their tributes to horror films I imagine coming across another person in a Ghostface costume would stop them dead in their tracks, or at least skip over killing that person in solidarity.

Let’s say your particular horror film involves scary monsters, even better! The best strategy the cast of Shaun of the Dead ever employs is just pretending to be zombies. If the alien from Alien saw himself in you, it would likely welcome you as its own brethren skipping over its violent tendencies, because you are one of them! Sure this might eventually involve some sort of proving that you are one of them by having to kill your fellow humans, but hey what else are you gonna do? Eventually this trojan horse of a plan could involve killing the beast when it least expects it, a la the trojan horse.

The last thing I would like in order to survive a horror film nightmare is probably a machine gun with endless ammo, I mean I wouldn’t know how to use it, I favor tighter restrictions on gun ownership, and am a total wimp, but a rapid fire way to take care of people that are attacking you feels like the easiest way to survive this thing. Sorry to my pacifist ideals and elaborate strategies, pure firepower is just so attractive.

Monsters (2010)

2010’s Monsters probably one of the most overlooked films of last year. Produced on a fairly low budget that most have called “do it yourself” film making. You can certainly see the low budgetness of the project at times, but at other times the special effects and shots captured are amazing.

Monsters takes place in modern times, in a world where aliens have begun reproduction upon the Earth. They live in what is known as the “invaded zone”, an area that spans Northern Mexico and the Southern U.S. It is a place where the creatures are attempted to be reigned in by walls, helicopters, and big guns. These are not always successful and the monsters do have migration periods where they venture into the non-invaded zones.

The film takes place in Mexico where an aspiring photographer is forced to bring home his boss’s daughter to America, due to increasing danger during the migration period. After some ridiculous plot points and inciting events that exist solely to advance the plot (such as his wallet and passports getting stolen), both are forced to travel through the invaded zone to reach America.

Thematically, there are many statements made, some subtly, others not so subtly. It deals with things such as the ethics of journalism, immigration, and most notably (and impressively I might add) what happens to the poorest of the poor in disaster situations. There is a moment towards the end of the film where Andrew (Scoot McNairy) tells Samantha (Whitney Able) not to forget everything they’ve seen. They have traveled through the infected zone. A place where, although supposedly evacuated, still contains brave people not wealthy enough to escape. Those who can afford to avoid it do so, but that leaves the poorest of the poor stranded as they deal with these “Monsters” while the rest of the world lives in bliss, forgetting the little communities bordering the zone.

Monsters is at times ridiculous (the final scene is certainly so), but is a wonderful film that shows that money does not necessarily equate with quality and is also a great reminder to not forget those who are oppressed; those who are barely getting by, who, when faced with extreme situations do not have the infrastructure or the stability to handle it. It calls out for us who sit at the top of the world to stay aware of our fellow man. Check it out if you are a fan of sci-fi or independent film.

3.5/5